On a completely different note, it's been interesting for me to analyze the reasons why I want to publish this novel. Is it because I want "fame?" Do I just want a creative career? Do I want a way to make money? If I'm totally honest, I would say it is a bit of all three of those things, though I'm really not big on the idea of fame. Perhaps understanding why I want to publish this book will help me deal with the seemingly endless amounts of rejection that I've encountered.
When I speak with someone about my novel, I'm pretty quick to say, "My ideal option would be to have the book published as the first in a series and then to write for a career while I stayed home and raised our children." We don't actually have children yet, but I tend to think ahead about that sort of thing. And staying home to write does sound wonderful, but is that how I would best serve my family and even more importantly, is that how I would best serve Christ? For those who don't know me, I try to let my faith rule my life and decisions, and most of the time (when it comes to little things), His will is obvious. But as for my career? I have spent the last four years trying to uncover His plan is for me. I've been waiting to find out ever since I received my Master of Education to teach history, and still I'm clueless. Many tears have been shed over this. I haven't found a teaching job, and writing doesn't appear to be working out. So now I'm just sort of treading water. At this point, I really don't care where He leads me, nor what He wants me to do. I just want to go there and do it. Whatever it is. I want His will to be done, not my own. My own will would be what I mentioned above, about staying home and writing and raising a family. But what if that isn't God's will? Then I need to be okay with that, even if it hurts and stings to realize it. My faith and my life is in God's hands. I'm so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crash again. It's exhausting. Then again, the more broken I feel, the closer to Christ I feel, and that cannot be a bad thing.
After a fairly mentally/emotionally brutal day yesterday, I decided to take a few minutes after the students left to turn towards Psalms for guidance, and my eyes landed on Psalm 51.
"O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51, 15-17.
I guess with this in mind, it's not such a bad thing that I'm feeling slightly broken and in need of Him today. I'm so thankful for God's sovereignty and grace, and I will try to continue my patient wait for his guidance. It's the only thing that I can really do, anyways, so I might as well do it. And just to clarify - it's not that we have not been blessed or that we have not been provided for. We have more than we need, even on a teacher's salary, and for that my heart cries out with joy. Maybe that's what I should focus on in the end. God has provided for us despite my selfish desires. And maybe I am exactly where He wants me - waiting - so that my patience and faith can grow. When I put it that way, it doesn't seem so discouraging. It actually seems kind of nice. Nothing that brings me closer to Christ can be all bad, anyways, now can it?
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